I Have Nothing

"God in Heaven, let me really feel my nothingness, not in order to despair over it, but in order to feel the more powerfully the greatness of Thy goodness" S. Kierkegaard.

Increasingly this is becoming one of my most common prayers. When I think for more than a few minutes about the greatness and goodness of the God that I allegedly worship, my response is more often than not found in silence and wonder.

I don't want to in any way discount the wonderful richness that can be found in words of songs and rousing music or the power of a passionate sermon, or the beautiful words of a prayer. I have found them all incredibly important to my faith and to my worship of God.  But of late, I struggle to worship any further than in stillness, aware of my own nothingness and God's supremacy. It is difficult to know what to say at times. 

I sometimes wonder if we have moulded Christianity into something which fits around our own desire to find purpose in life, our desire to be fulfilled and accepted by God, to have a 'personal saviour'. We rarely embrace the concept of nothingness into our Churches or society . Perhaps the antidote to the self obsessed culture we find ourself in is not to sell Jesus as just another product which can satisfy, a bigger better version of Starbucks or Apple, but rather as the complete antitheses of consumerism. 

It is in nothingness that we discover the richness and the profundity of God. Perhaps if we dared to shut up more often, to be silent instead of speaking, to be aware of our own nothingness in the Universe that we might truly learn something of what it means to worship, and maybe something of what it means to live. 

"Your attitude should be the same that Christ Jesus had. Though he was God, he did not demand and cling to his rights as God. He made himself nothing." Philippians 2:5-7

The Sound of Silence

The expression 'personal relationship with God' is one I hear often. And it is a good challenge to those who see God as a far off deity that made the world and left, or for those who want nothing to do with God at all. God is personally interested in humanity, and in you.

 The downside of this expression, I have found in my own life, is that it has a tendency to remove the reverence I might, and should, have for God. And if the God I worship does indeed exist, he deserves utter reverence; he has the power and right to sweep the carpet from underneath the feet of the universe whenever he so chooses. He has in his control the destiny of every living thing, he exists eternally and beyond anything we can comprehend. Our response to this must be one of trepidation and awe.

Somehow, "God" has become second hand for "personal assistant". I have found in my own life a tendency to make it all about my 'personal relationship with God'. I am so desperate to know what it is God wants me to do with my life, I am so desperate to seek spiritual discipline. I seek God's will in my life for direction and forgiveness, for comfort, for peace. I chat away about my own life so freely to God. But it is generally about me. It is a relationship and a faith centred around what I might gain- where I might go next; which career will be fulfilling, which wife I might enjoy the most, which Church I might be most respected in. If I'm honest, I use 'God' to serve my own needs often.

Jesus says: "But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." 

Should I seek God's will for my life? I should seek first his kingdom. Should I sell all my possessions and go serve the poor? I should seek first his kingdom. Should I seek to be spiritual disciplined? I should seek first his kingdom. Should I apply for this job? Should I marry this girl? Should I go on this conference? Should I go into Church leadership? I should seek first his kingdom. This statement is a conversation stopper for any question I might ask. I should seek first the kingdom of God. Whatever the question is- that is the answer.

Kierkegaard suggests that the response to this is silence. Silence before God; utter reverence of the one who created everything. It seems to me an apt response to the kingdom of God. His glory surely silences and puts into perspective whatever it is that is keeping us up at night. When we seek first the kingdom of God, the worries of this world surely fade into nothingness, like staring at an endless sky of glittering stars which go on for billions and trillions of miles. How absurd does my life and worries start to look when I stare into the kingdom of God?

God is not my personal assistant. He is not a disposable item I use to assist my short time on planet earth, an interest I take up to make my life more manageable and fulfilling. I want 2012 to be a year when I can say with confidence that I am seeking first his kingdom. I want to be able to say I sought God in silence, with reverence and that I was a part of something bigger, something gloriously eternal.

 2012 is crying out for people who are prepared to break the spirit of individualism; in our culture, in our Church, in our world. What would it look like if we sought after the kingdom of God first, and left our own desires and will behind for 2012? What would it look like for the answer to every question I might ask to be- "Seek first the kingdom of God".

Don't neglect the personal, deep and intimate nature of God this year. It is life changing and life giving. Don't stop praying about every worry you might have. I am not claiming we ought to leave behind 'personal relationship with God', but rather that we get a bit of perspective on it. It is for his sake, not for yours. It is for his sake that you are changed, it is for the kingdom of God, not for the kingdom of Josh.