My Wife's Home Town

I watched a Louis Theroux documentary about dementia earlier this week which had me on the brink of tears. It takes something pretty emotional to make me cry. There was a couple that he visited who were in their late eighties, they had been married for over sixty years. The wife, Nancy, had very severe Alzheimer's. Although she was perfectly articulate, loving and affectionate she had almost totally lost a grasp on her identity and her relationships. Her husband, John, cared for her regardless. In his own words: "we said we were going to be with each other until death do us part, and it hasn't parted us yet".

I'm getting married this summer. People are surprised when they first hear this. It's unusual for a guy in his very early twenties to be settling down so soon. People are even more surprised when they hear that we haven't 'tested' it first. We don't live together, don't have sex, don't know that it's definitely going to 'work'. It's almost foolishness in our culture to enter into marriage so recklessly. But I, like the eighty nine year old guy in the Louis Theroux documentary fully intend to take seriously my promises, take seriously the promises to commit to one person regardless. Regardless of how they change, who they become or how enjoyable it is.

Our society has made marriage something totally alien to this. We crave stories of love at first sight, soul mates and perfectly fulfilling marriages. I'd love to tell you that Ellie is perfect, that she is the most attractive, intelligent, gifted person on planet earth. Today everyone is looking for the perfect combination of soulmate/ babe. And I can tell you emphatically, that she hasn't got it. My fiance is not the perfect woman, she is not flawless, she isn't even close. But that's not why I'm marrying her. 

There are so many unrealistic expectations on modern relationships; and ultimately no one can fulfill you, no-one can complete you. The films, the media, our friends, all present a idealistic, romanticized picture of marriage. Find Mr Right, settle down, job done. This view of marriage has made it wholly self-centered; it is so much about how I am completed by this person, how I feel, how my life is improved. It is no wonder that marriage is becoming a flailing concept in the consumerist west. With such high expectations, no wonder so many marriages fail. 

There is a moment in Theroux's documentary when Nancy looks at her husband in the eye and says: "I owe you so much." She's so right, this man has relentlessly cared for her, given to her, sacrificed his whole life for her. And he turns to her and replies "No Nancy, we owe each other so much." It is a beautiful picture of marriage: two individuals totally sacrificed to one another. He is not merely caring for his wife, they are totally submitted to one another; he could do no other. 

Marriage is not about gaining. It is about giving; wholeheartedly giving to another human being. Sacrificing ambition, hopes and goals and rediscovering life as a joined entity; a family. And ultimately marriage is about transformation, a life lived looking outwards rather than inwards. Tim Keller puts it like this:

"The reason that marriage is so painful and yet wonderful is because it is a reflection of the gospel...We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope. "

I believe that marriage is a sacred and beautiful thing that I am ridiculously excited for. There will be times of unbearable pain, I'm sure, but I hope that our relationship is a picture of true commitment and sacrifice to one another. And for that, I cannot wait.