The Graduate

Jesus says "do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is life not more important than food, and the body more important than clothes....Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own"

I think that's a bit mental.

I've never really understood the potency of those words until now. I was born, brought up, went to two different primary schools from the age of five until I was ten. Then I left to go secondary school. At the age of fifteen I moved to Wigan and joined another secondary until I was sixteen, then started at a six form college. After that I applied to study philosophy at York University, and have studied here until now, aged twenty one. Since I was five years old my vocation has been set in stone. Sure, I've had choices to make along the way, which college, which a levels, which university. But on the whole I've pretty much had my path set before me. I've studied as a full time thing- it has been what I do with the majority of my time for the past sixteen years. Last Friday I handed in two essays. And now that's it. I am no longer a 'student'. I am no longer defined by that little word, I no longer spend all my time studying. At the moment, I'm not really sure what I am instead. Nothing defines me.

So what now?

I am left with an uncertain future, I don't have a clue where I will be, what I will do, who I will be.

One of my favourite films is the Graduate, the character Benjamin has just graduated from University and is experiencing the same anguish that I'm talking about. He ends up having an affair with an older woman, and then falling in love with her daughter. In the end he runs away with the daughter. At the end there's this absolutely brilliant shot of him sat on the back of the bus with the bride he's just stolen from another man. And the look on his face is still the same discontent- he doesn't really want this. He doesn't really know what he really wants. He just kind of jumps at what takes his fancy. But ultimately he doesn't have a clue who he is, what he's living for, or what he will be.

Benjamin Braddock says "I don't have a clue who I am, what I want from life" Jesus says- "Don't worry". I say to Jesus "I don't have a clue who I am, what I will be, where I'll go". Jesus says- "don't worry Josh".

Until now I haven't realised how astounding advice that actually is. When I'm facing such an unknown, when I have no stability, when I have nothing that defines my every day Jesus simply says: "do not worry about your life". I can't even begin to take what Jesus says seriously. Trusting God when I have a plan is really easy. Trusting God to help me with my a levels, point me towards the right university, help me be a Christian on my course- not worrying about those things has been pretty easy. But trusting God now is so hard.

I have to tell myself those words every day. I have to begin being defined by a life living for Jesus. Because now it's about the only stability I have left. I don't want to be like Benjamin Braddock, who jumps at whatever makes him feel alive, who is never really content with his decisions, who uses people to define his life. Because he isn't satisfied and ultimately, he's still probably pretty worried. I want to be the person with enough faith to say, I don't worry about tomorrow because I know God will provide, I know God will direct me. I want to be defined by Christ, and I want to say "I will not worry about my life".

That's pretty hard. Maybe I'll get better at it eventually. At the moment I'm still having difficulty really shaking worry.