Simple Twist of Fate

"Philosophy is perfectly right in saying that life must be understood backward. But then one forgets the other clause- that it must be lived forward. The more one thinks through this clause, the more one concludes that life in temporality never becomes properly understandable, simply because never at any time does one get perfect repose to take a stance- backward." (Kierkegaard, Early Journal Entries, 1843)

I am struck by these words as I teeter towards my next steps in life. I'll be getting married next September, and at the moment I have no idea what I'll be doing for a job, which city I'll be living in, how I'll earn a living. Kierkegaard is spot on when he says that life must be live forwards, but only understood fully backwards. I feel at the moment a little lost in the prospect of my future. Big decision lie ahead in the next few weeks and months.

I think often the idea of 'calling' and of God's guidance is like this. Looking back, I feel that I was strongly called by God to studying Philosophy, to coming to York, even in starting going out with Ellie. I do believe in guidance in some capacity. It seems relatively easy to look backwards and speak about calling, and God's guidance in situation X.

It is much more difficult to apply this looking forwards. At the moment I don't know if I feel particularly whole heatedly called to a specific path. Sure I feel passionate about the Church, about leadership, about philosophy, thinking, faith, music, coffee. I have passions. But at times I look at my passions and my situations and the future just seems a bit of a blur.  I reckon Kierkegaard was right.

We need to learn to not spend too much time looking backwards. I know that I'm guilty of it; noticing God's presence in places in my life that have past and getting frustrated that he isn't clearer now. The thing is we can never live backwards, we can never take up that perfect stance. That's so frustrating. But I wonder if part of the notion of being a follower of Christ, of living in 'faith' is that it's pretty easy to see where you've gone and not always possible to see where you're going. All I can do is take the next step. And at the moment those feel like particularly small steps. Daily steps.

It's reassuring for me that I have something to follow. And I need to remind myself daily that I'm following. I need to learn to trust. Even looking back over the last few weeks I see where God has moved, and how things have changed. And I need to learn not try and adopt the backward stance, not to kid myself that I was certain of anything. Now it's easy to say that X was the right thing to do. At the time that decision was filled with doubts and questions; it was just a matter of following. It all makes sense now, but life can only be lived forwards.

And so today, as I step another foot forwards, I appreciate the present, I appreciate the cloud of the future. I am thankful for where God has led me so far, and I am excitedly apprehensive about where he will lead me next. And in a way, as annoying as it is, I'm kind of glad life cannot be understood forwards, the excitement of not knowing keeps me edging forwards. 

Marry You

So on Sunday night I proposed to the beautiful Ellie. She did not see it coming. Even though we'd spent all weekend talking about weddings with her family, she was not expecting it as soon as we got back. Some very good friends of mine had set the room of our favorite coffee shop up beautifully with photographs of us both, yellow roses, a bottle of champagne (or cheap M&S cava), our favorite food and coffee and then more candles than you've ever seen in your life. I got down on one knee and asked a woman to spend the rest of her life with me, after a few tears and five minutes or so of euphoria it started to become quite difficult to breathe. Turns out it wasn't overwhelming excitement, but rather quite a lot of toxic smoke. I turned round to see my beautiful wool coat and rucksack full of my favorite clothes and books up in flames.

So you could say that my romantic plans weren't quite executed perfectly. My worldly possessions went up in flames as I made a commitment to spend the rest of my life trying to care for one person.

The ritual of marriage is seen as pretty outdated in our society today- but let me tell you, I fully intend to spend the rest of my life with one woman- give everything I have to making our marriage work, even when it's pretty tough.The bible uses the imagery of marriage quite often to refer to his Church. The 'bride' of Christ (the Church) will one day meet the bridegroom (Christ) and be united for eternity in a new creation. And that in my mind is a pretty good piece of symbolism for belonging to the Church, for having faith.

We need to realise sometimes that committing to God to have faith in Christ and become part of his bride is not always 'feel good', it requires sacrifice. In order to leap fully into following Christ, we have to let go of what we're holding. And sometimes we have to see things we are attached to go up in flames. Sometimes this is our stuff; I think of a rich guy in the Bible who wanted to follow Jesus but couldn't give up his possessions. Sometimes it's our ambition. Jesus even tells us that following him will result in people we love turning against us.

I think too often we over glamorize commitment. I know full well that I will have to give up some of my ambition, some of my money, some of my stuff in order to love Ellie fully and be fully committed to her. I know that sometimes she will do my head in, sometimes I will feel like giving it up. But that's not the point. The point of marriage isn't that I find someone who can make me euphoric for the next sixty years, but I do believe that the sacrifice I make to commit to her will be worth it. And it's the same with faith. We might paint 'conversion' as a glorious thing, and rightly so- but there is a cost of faith, there is a cost of belonging to the Church. Jesus says:

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.

I am challenged by those words. Ultimately I know that Jesus is more trustworthy than Ellie is. I know that commitment to him is worth it. But it means letting go of things, letting go of my self centered attitude. Interestingly Jesus claims the two most important things you can do with your life is to "Love God" and "Love others", that is a total reversal of the strongest instruction of culture: "Love yourself". Faith means taking my eyes off myself, letting go of what I'm holding and committing to someone who is worth placing trust in.

I don't pretend that is easy. I have to daily struggle to do that. In a strange way I'm kind of glad my stuff went up in flames, as irritating as it was, it gave me a sense of perspective. Compared to spending the rest of my life with Ellie, a wool coat is nothing. Compared to being a part of the Bride of Christ for eternity, what I have in my hands is nothing. 

Jigsaw Falling Into Place

When my friend became a Christian she said one of the reasons she felt prepared to commit to faith is that she was amazed she could be a 'hand of God' on this earth. I think there's really a beauty in that sentiment. Although it might be a testimony that some might claim doesn't encapsulate her forgiveness and redemption- to me it echoes one of the key things about 'gospel' and about Christ that often we overlook.

I've written it before, and I will write it again, I will preach it, I will talk to you about it, I will think about it; you are part of something bigger than yourself. 'Salvation', whatever that means, whatever that looks like, has to be a placing of a jigsaw piece into a glorious tapestry. The whole point of 'salvation', of forgiveness, or redemption is: The Church.

Whatever you think about that word, whatever connotations, however boring 'Church meetings' are, however screwed up the institution is; it is the light of the world. I'm personally frustrated daily by how the Church functions; by its hypocrisy and short-sitedness. But I'm optimistic that the Church is worth fighting for, that it can stand for something, that it can bring hope. And like my friend, I'm so amazed that I can be a foot or a mouth or an ear of Christ on the earth.

The 'body' language is borrowed from Paul in 1 Corinthians 12:

"Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ. For we were all baptized by one Spirit so as to form one body—whether Jews or Gentiles, slave or free—and we were all given the one Spirit to drink. Even so the body is not made up of one part but of many."

The imagery is very deliberate I think. Paul could easily have used another piece of imagery; we are the 'ship' of Christ, some of us masts, some of us sails and so on. But I think that kind of misses the point. Elsewhere Paul tells us we were 'raised with Christ' (Colossians 3v1). The Church, (or if you don't like that word- the body of those that have come into faith) are today the very embodiment of Jesus. The word body is so important- because at the resurrection something beautiful was birthed; not only the bodily resurrected Christ, but another body- the hope to the hopeless, the kingdom of God, the community of faith, the body of Christ. And done right, I really believe it has something to offer.

Sadly, it is often pretty bad at this. But that's not necessarily the point. A part of entering into faith, and a vital component of 'gospel' is that we become part of something. In the same way that there is no point in saving a jigsaw piece from isolation unless we place it on the puzzle, there is no point being 'saved' if we are then not put in the puzzle of Christs' body. The Church's focus is often on 'getting people in', on evangelism. But the sad thing is that all to often what happens when we only do this is that although people come in they just fall out the other side.

And this is why I'm so frustrated by the 21st Century mentality that 'Church' is that thing you attend on a Sunday. No! I'm so frustrated that it's often led by professional Christians and attended by 'regular folk'. No! The Church cannot be constrained by four walls, by a one hour slot, by how it is defined. The Church must learn to outgrow its meetings. It must learnt to allow 'communal time together' on a Sunday to simply be an overflow of its community and not the sum of it.

I will spend my life trying to seek what this might look like. To rethink tradition when we need to, and to hold onto it when appropriate. But in an age of frustration with culture and society, where consumerism is starting to look like it might not have all the answers; I believe that we have something to offer. And I for one am proud to be a part of something glorious, but by myself I can't achieve it.

If Only

I sometimes wonder; what if? What if my theology impacted my life so much that I changed and impacted what was around me. I sometimes wonder what it would like if what I wrote on this blog actually had a mirroring in the world; if I didn't just aim to challenge thinking, but to create change. What would it look like if I did something about it?

These are lines from previous blogs. What would it look like if they had some bearing on my life, on 'Church', and on my society? That's not an abstract question. I'm genuinely trying to figure out how my thoughts and hopes and frustrations can bring change. I'm struggling to live what I believe, and I want your help. Practically, how can we make this work? If you have thoughts on this, please comment.

It isn’t about getting names on a dotted line; it’s about transforming people, transforming communities, and transforming the earth

The church needs to find a way to become true communities, that stray away from consumerism and to focus on the big picture.

The real question is- why don’t we talk about doubt more? 

Faith is all about finding the balance between believing with my mind; doubting and questioning but still seeking relationship with God in my heart, trying to be obedient to him even when I can’t explain everything

Think of the darkest place you know. The place where there is a real absence of God, where people are just longing for change but can’t get it. Be light there. That’s distinctive.

The reason that sin is so destructive is because it destroys you. It’s not just that sins stops us from being close to God, but that it stops us being who we really are. Jesus offers real freedom in the present. 

Prayer is me getting in step with God, it is me learning to notice what he notices, see what he sees. It is being the answers to my own prayers

We need to stop the attitude which says the only things that are of value, the only things that are worshipful and the only things which are focused on Christ are the things of organised 'Church'. I'm challenged to rethink what 'Church' is, what following Jesus means 

Do we believe the truth? And on what grounds? Unless we're prepared to properly engage and understand scepticism and disbelief I think we are in danger of alienating a whole generation of people who just can't believe.

I refuse to put God in the box that everyone does. The one labelled 'for church' 'for prayer time' 'for that godly conversation'. Because if God is here he's not a distant force who created and left. He built his house & moved in.

We belong in the Premier league- Jesus Christ is Lord of all. At the moment we're playing Sunday league football. There's a long way to go.

I'm finding it difficult to believe recently.

I want to be the person with enough faith to say, I don't worry about tomorrow because I know God will provide, I know God will direct me. I want to be defined by Christ, and I want to say "I will not worry about my life".That's pretty hard.

Of late I feel like I haven't invested much time in 'relationship with God'. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I understand what it means. I feel a bit like one day soon I'll get a bit more passionate, that I'll get 'better' at this. But generally I'm apathetic about faith.

I'm wondering recently if at times our view of 'the gospel' is inherently selfish and individualistic. I wonder if concentrating on my own salvation and restoration as the full extent of God's rescue that we miss something astounding.

I cannot stop believing until I stop loving.

Does our philosophy of mind effect the way we view Christianity? Ask that question to about 99% of Christians and I think you'll get a negative response. But I'm convinced that it really does matter what we think about mind, body, soul, spirits

I leap every day into what sometimes seems paradoxical and unknown. My hope is that other people will see the power of faith and choose the same.

We need to learn how to be consistent. Communities of people who believe what we believe and act what we believe. There is a lie that says that putting a brave face on, of acting like everyone else is acting is the right thing to do. It is a lie that belief doesn't matter

I think we'll only gain real maturity in faith when we start to know what we really think about things, what we really believe, when we're able to learn from people who think differently.

I'm free on any sort of level that matters. I find it difficult to dispute that. It's pretty obvious to us that we are free, we're free to choose almost all the time. It's what we do with our freedom that's important, it's how we choose and what we do with our lives.

The truth is- the Church needs innovators desperately. But no one is going to pick you. Stop waiting to be picked. Step up, pick yourself and dare to do something no one has done. Dare to be radical

Why do you believe what you believe?

In a world full of pain and suffering, there is beauty. In a world where death looms round every corner, there is hope. As Paul puts it in Romans 8- creation is under bondage, but it is crying to be released, it will be brought to beauty and glory. In those moments, I understand this, I understand what it means to see beauty in the universe, to see hope. And whilst we live in this broken world, it is so important to get those glimpses of beauty. To stop and see the sunset, to meditate on the beauty of a piece of music, to get lost in a moment.

I want to be the kind of Christian that acts as consistently in front of my computer as at work, in the street, with my girlfriend, in Church. Very simply- I want honesty. I want to belong to a community of honesty.