Any Day Now

Sometimes I'm not very passionate about Jesus, sometimes I go along with it without really feeling it very much. Sometimes I feel the pressure to fit a certain mold, to be a certain person and I just run away from it. Of late I feel like I haven't invested much time in 'relationship with God'. Sometimes I'm not even sure if I understand what it means. I feel a bit like one day soon I'll get a bit more passionate, that I'll get 'better' at this. But generally I'm apathetic about faith.

I don't really understand why I'm apathetic. I think probably it's a bit of a vicious cycle- The less time I spend investing in my faith I end up less passionate. If only I were more passionate I might spend some more time doing it.

But in all honesty, some of time I feel I've heard it all before, that nothing can really excite me or inspire me. That's not true at all, firstly because I don't know it all; my knowledge of the bible is poor, my time spent in prayer is dismal. And secondly things do inspire me, things do move me if I give them the chance. But a lot of the time there's this shell which comes out when I enter Christiandom. From the outside I look impenetrable, impressive, Christian. On the inside I'm skeptical, apathetic and selfish. I might be able to sing that I surrender my all to Jesus, I don't really mean it. Not usually. I might be able to respond well when someone asks me what I think. But I've had a lot of practice.

I've known about Jesus, that my sins are forgiven for as long as can remember. I've known that God loves me before I knew that water is H2O. I find it difficult to be surprised by these things, because I don't really know what my life would be like without them. I totally take for granted the grace of God, the peace of his presence, the impact he has on my life. I really do envy converts who have come to Jesus and turned away from their old life. I find it hard to sing "I once was lost but now I'm found", because I don't really feel that at the age of four (or however old I was) that I really was lost. And consequently I find it hard to get excited about being found. It's not that I don't think I've ever sinned, but more that I don't feel particularly like I have an 'old life' to turn away from.

Bringing people up with bedtime stories of Jesus and teaching them of grace and prayer and the love of God is brilliant. I imagine that I will want to do the same if I ever I have a family. But sadly I also think it's responsible for the huge amount of people that shield themselves to God in later life. "I've heard it all before" "My family are all Christians" "I used to believe in all that nonsense" are sure ways of stopping the truth and power of God ever effecting your life. Sadly, it also fills Churches with thousands of apathetic people who believe but are utterly apathetic. People who build shells around them that look and behave exactly like they should, but don't really care. For them Church is what they do on Sundays, it's where their community is. But ask them to die for it and they'd be the first out of the door.

How do we reach the generation of Christians that don't get excited about this, who build a Christian shell that never really reaches down to the core of their being? If the Church started to be persecuted in the West, then I'm pretty sure we'd kill out apathy. But it isn't. Apathy is like a bacteria that is so difficult to attack but which grows and grows alongside genuine, passionate Christianity. I don't really know what the answer is. But apathy has the danger of holding back something which is life changing, risky, passionate, dangerous and exciting.

We need to start getting vulnerable about faith, about what we really think. About what we really struggle with. I want to be the person who is consistent to the core, that is as passionate on a Sunday afternoon as I am on a Monday morning. I want to break down the shell, and I don't want to be apathetic. I don't really know how to do it though.

The Graduate

Jesus says "do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is life not more important than food, and the body more important than clothes....Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own"

I think that's a bit mental.

I've never really understood the potency of those words until now. I was born, brought up, went to two different primary schools from the age of five until I was ten. Then I left to go secondary school. At the age of fifteen I moved to Wigan and joined another secondary until I was sixteen, then started at a six form college. After that I applied to study philosophy at York University, and have studied here until now, aged twenty one. Since I was five years old my vocation has been set in stone. Sure, I've had choices to make along the way, which college, which a levels, which university. But on the whole I've pretty much had my path set before me. I've studied as a full time thing- it has been what I do with the majority of my time for the past sixteen years. Last Friday I handed in two essays. And now that's it. I am no longer a 'student'. I am no longer defined by that little word, I no longer spend all my time studying. At the moment, I'm not really sure what I am instead. Nothing defines me.

So what now?

I am left with an uncertain future, I don't have a clue where I will be, what I will do, who I will be.

One of my favourite films is the Graduate, the character Benjamin has just graduated from University and is experiencing the same anguish that I'm talking about. He ends up having an affair with an older woman, and then falling in love with her daughter. In the end he runs away with the daughter. At the end there's this absolutely brilliant shot of him sat on the back of the bus with the bride he's just stolen from another man. And the look on his face is still the same discontent- he doesn't really want this. He doesn't really know what he really wants. He just kind of jumps at what takes his fancy. But ultimately he doesn't have a clue who he is, what he's living for, or what he will be.

Benjamin Braddock says "I don't have a clue who I am, what I want from life" Jesus says- "Don't worry". I say to Jesus "I don't have a clue who I am, what I will be, where I'll go". Jesus says- "don't worry Josh".

Until now I haven't realised how astounding advice that actually is. When I'm facing such an unknown, when I have no stability, when I have nothing that defines my every day Jesus simply says: "do not worry about your life". I can't even begin to take what Jesus says seriously. Trusting God when I have a plan is really easy. Trusting God to help me with my a levels, point me towards the right university, help me be a Christian on my course- not worrying about those things has been pretty easy. But trusting God now is so hard.

I have to tell myself those words every day. I have to begin being defined by a life living for Jesus. Because now it's about the only stability I have left. I don't want to be like Benjamin Braddock, who jumps at whatever makes him feel alive, who is never really content with his decisions, who uses people to define his life. Because he isn't satisfied and ultimately, he's still probably pretty worried. I want to be the person with enough faith to say, I don't worry about tomorrow because I know God will provide, I know God will direct me. I want to be defined by Christ, and I want to say "I will not worry about my life".

That's pretty hard. Maybe I'll get better at it eventually. At the moment I'm still having difficulty really shaking worry.